Where's The Fire?

Tuesday was my day for speedwork. "Speedwork" is, of course, a relative term. My training plan called for 12--400 meter repeats at about 1:45, with a 1.5 minute rest in between repeats. Running on a street near my house, a blue-haired lady working in her yard yelled "Where's the fire?" I thought it was really funny and have been laughing about it all week.

I told Shauna. Her first reaction: "Stop talking to strange ladies in the neighborhood." A little jealousy. Nice! Her second reaction: "Smart lady. She couldn't understand why anyone would run like that unless there was a fire. And you are doing it for fun."

Well, not for fun, exactly. I am not sure why I am pushing this hard. Good question, but I don't want to look at it too deeply or I might agree and quit. No matter how hard I run, I can't grow any more hair on my progressively balding head, I can't be 25 again, and I will never make any money at running. I don't really like to run with other people, except family members--none of who live in the area--so making new friends and acquaintances, while nice, will never be high on the list of things that keeps me going.

Motivation has been an issue lately, although I am down to a svelte 197. My BMI=27.5, so I am halfway between my starting "obese" 30 BMI and my goal 25 BMI, the highest possible "normal" rating. I also feel better after I run, although I don't feel that great during the run and it is often painful to keep up with my training paces. I did 5 miles in a 9 min/mile pace this morning, and it was tough and painful and my lungs burned. I got a nice runner's high afterwards and I am really psyched up about running right now, but before my 11-mile long run this weekend I will lose that and again wonder "What was I thinking?"

A part of the motivation that I frankly do not understand is the idea of athletic competition. That is the confusing part, in a way. I am 50, going on 51. I am not sure why athletic competition appeals to me at all. Whom do I think I am going to beat? Running, at my (low) level is primarily a self-competition, to see if I can continue to improve. But I confess to having taken a glance or two at the three best age-group finishers at the Utah Valley Marathon, and wondering if the times will be the same this year and if I can post a time in the top three. Stupid, really. My goal in my first marathon should be to finish, period. Finish without getting sick or getting a stress fracture or some other injury. That should be good enough. Can't help it. Why am I so competitive? But that is motivation for me, so it is good, right? Hmmmm.

This is a strange balancing act. Goal # 1 is to keep running, not to get some particular time in any race. Entering races is motivation, but it puts me on a razor's edge. Sometimes I think that if I wouldn't push quite so hard this would be more fun and I would have a better chance at keeping going. On the other hand, I know from past experience that if I don't have goals to push towards (running events) then I will stop. I need to enter enough events and push hard enough to stay motivated, but not set goals and standards so high that I start to really feel that it isn't worth it. This may be a particular problem once I reach my weight goal and that motivation goes to the background.